Dear Louie,

Perhaps now with the heavenly exposure of the past year or so, you might be able to answer a question, “When does one realize a mistake? Is a mistake ever singular, does it always involve a situation without retreat, redress, withdrawal, reorganization, humbling... a condition of expensive ‘egg on the face?’”

I quite expect the answer to be... “Once done, forever changed.“ And a secondary answer, ”Admit it, and get on with the new venture.”

It might be suggested that admission of a mistake, a serious mistake takes a true inward look into self and the final admission of a “screw up” of major proportions. On the other hand, why not look on an admission of error as an opportunity of reclamation, a restart on a new route, a time to do something different and escape the doldrums of repetition, a time of admission of a true mistake.

Awareness of such situations usually occur at four a.m., in bed, uncomfortable, and unable to sleep. That time of the night, or day, whatever it might be is a soul searching, distressful, uncomfortable hour, a time of conscience rattling and unrest.

It is not the time of decision making, but is the time of admission of prior misadventures, and just probably a time of admission of poor judgement. If truth be known, I am sure the modern establishments of senior centered living might just be the repositories of many stories of like nature. Stories of the “Road Taken,” of the judgements made, and of the early morning insomnia when all brilliant ideas of the past are reviewed in the calmness of only individual concepts, and admissions that most probably decisions made in the past were, in retrospect made in error. But to be more honest, made in error of judgement.

Society has multiple examples of poor judgement; in politics commonplace, in marriage common and long lasting, in business almost universal and sales generating. It is too bad that a “fire sale” isn’t expected periodically in all the above mentioned activities and associations.

Four o’clock in the morning is a time for introspection, admission of errors, reevaluation of position and potential, and usually admission of the irretrievable nature of previous well intentioned actions. Situational insomnia sucks the atmosphere of rational thought and one ends with a depression of projected thoughts. A thought mastication, a chewing of ideas and plans demonstrates the errors of previous thought generation and errors of judgement. After lengthy moments of agitated insomnia one arises and attempts to reestablish semblance of logical, nonemotional judgement allowing further participation in the expected and unexpected problems of the tomorrow.

Somewhere in the journey, about in the mid-fifties the previous exercises of early morning futility forms a repetitive memory which eases the frustration and allows the entry of memory of previous anxiety moments. This reprieve allows balance to enter the equation of worry and usually one awakens the next morning with some semblance of solution of daily problems, and if responsible and lucky one is able to adjust and proceed along the ongoing paths of problems, emotions, and responses. On occasions, however, solutions are not forthcoming and the anxiety and worry continue.

In the past, during active practice of medicine, I found that not infrequently problems of the night, digested during sleep were found to be, at least directional, when one might awaken in the thought. Many times, problems of direction of diagnostic considerations or therapeutic selection somehow had gained clearance during the night prior to awakening. Perhaps deep sleep does generate logical thoughts if placed on the scales of question and answer prior to deep sleep. I thought of sleep chance as being a therapeutic time for subclinical choice and sometimes I was convinced of the efficacy of the action. Now at this age, I no longer seem to have problems the nature of which might benefit from sleep assistance in solution. It seems that aging problems with limited solutions remain just so in the morning; still problems.

And so Louie, we stumble on - feel the aches and pains of aging, but sit back and marvel at the throw of the dice which has enabled one to live as long as we have been able. It has really been an extraordinary gift, and that is what life truly is - a gift.

We are thankful.

Living in the Senior Center, one marvels at the intelligence of the friends recently made. As most reasonable minds continue to express reasonable thoughts, define reasonable desires and accept reasonable problems. In spite of ongoing fluctuations of living circumstances, there seems to be an acceptance of the aged, an acknowledgement of the inevitability of change, and the knowledge that planning for the future is somewhat out of our hands and acceptance of the inevitable is just that... acceptance. So be it, Louie.

And so it goes in the Land of the Present, a place of realism but an avenue to the Land Beyond.

Jim